DOING THE MESSAGES

   Good morning dear reader. How lovely to meet up with you again on this beautiful June morning. I hope you are well and have been basking in the glorious sunshine this week. Spouse and I have enjoyed working in our garden. Ah, well ... I should qualify that.  I have enjoyed working in the garden. I imagine Spouse thinks he has spent a week working in the salt mines. It must have felt like that for him.

   As I have previously mentioned, Spouse is working his way towards replacing my old and dilapidated garden shed with a new big one, along the lines of his own mega-shed. So the base for the new shed needs to increase - only there's a whacking great tree stump in the way, complete with roots that must reach Australia. Poor old Spouse has spent the whole week mining the tree stump and its roots with a huge axe, chainsaw, electric saw, hammer and chisel ... you name it, he's thrown everything at it. Every evening he has trailed back up the garden, black as a rat, but a few steps nearer to winning the fight. Quite possibly a week in the salt mines might have been preferable.

   This coming week he is starting to dismantle the old shed. He informs me that it is full of rusty nails sticking out in odd places and at odd angles. I think a visit to the chemist may be required to stock up on antiseptics and dressings. I will not be Ethelred the Unready this time.

   I greatly appreciate Spouse's labours on my behalf and it must be said, he is very happy to assist my horticultural endeavours. That what he  says. But I think he secretly hopes I might do a Roald Dahl and make it my writing shed and then he'd get some peace and quiet indoors! In your sweet dreams, dear Spouse, but I won't tell you that yet.

   You may think the title of this blog is a bit odd, unless your a Scot. 'The Messages' in Scotland refers to running the errands, doing the shopping, etc. Spouse has always enjoyed doing the 'messages' - not the actual shopping, but the odd and quirky errands that arise in life. Only there was one particular 'message' that he almost certainly did not enjoy.

   A few years ago we were living in south-west Scotland and working full-time. I had signed up for a British Film Institute screenwriting course. The classes took place every weekend for a number of weeks, which didn't leave me much time for other activities, least of all 'the messages'. As part of the course we were given Brokeback Mountain, by Annie Proulx to read. A beautifully written story about two homosexual cowboys. Then we were asked to get hold of the DVD and watch the first half hour or so in order to observe how the story translated to the screen.

   Well and good, dear reader. Now, here's the rub. The opening times of our small, local library did not coincide with my off duty hours - but they did with Spouse's. So I asked him to see if he could hire the DVD for me. Now, whilst Spouse is not homophobic, he is of the older generation that is not given to discussing matters of sexuality. So, having to ask for said DVD at the library was not an easy deal for him.

   However, manning up to the task, he took himself off to the library. As told to me - he sidled up to the counter and asked very quickly, in a gruff, low voice if they had a copy of Brokeback Mountain. The library lady could not catch what he said. 'What was the title, Sir?'  'Brokeback Mountain', he mumbled again, getting very hot under the collar.  'Oh, Brokeback Mountain. I'm sorry, Sir, we don't have it here, but I can order it in for you.'  So, Spouse agreed to that and made a red-faced and rapid exit. Sure enough a few days later the call came to say the DVD was awaiting collection at the library. Off trails Spouse and again had to mumble his way through the request for Brokeback Mountain. The DVD was handed over and Spouse made a hurried exit. Only on arriving home he discovered he hadn't been given Brokeback Mountain at all, but an entirely different DVD.

   I think by this time he was fit to bust. The thought of having to go back again nearly broke him. But, God bless his cotton socks, he knew I had to see the film so, girding up every loin he had, he returned to the library. Once again he sidled up to the counter and quietly explained that they had given him the wrong film. 'Oh,' says the lady, 'what was it that you had ordered?'  'Brokeback Mountain,' mumbles Spouse.  'What's that?'  'Brokeback Mountain,' he whispered hoarsly.  'Oh, Brokeback Mountain,'  she repeated in a loud voice. Spouse was ready to slide under the counter by now. The lady checked the records. 'Ah, yes. It's here somewhere.' She rummaged under the counter ande found a package. 'Here it is,' she flourished it triumphantly. 'Brokeback Mountain. Sorry we got your order mixed up, Sir.' Spouse took the DVD and slunk out of the library. He has vowed, never again .. never, never, never again is he running messages for me.

   Some years on and I think he's finally got over it and he does still do 'the messages'. But not this week.  I think he'll be quite happy knocking seven bells out of the old shed and I shall keep well out of his way as there will be axes and hammers going in all directions.

​   Have a lovely week, dear reader and I hope we will meet agin next week, full of the joys of summer if the weather forecasts are to be believed. Take care and enjoy yourself.